Special Report: Evil and the Logo

Evil and the Logo: The Illuminati, Satan, and the Hapless Designer

As it would be irresponsible of me to write any of my past logo reviews without also factoring in the brand itself, it would likewise be irresponsible not to at least touch upon some of the symbology that often goes into trying to ascribe greater meaning to the highly compressed artform of the logo. So here’s the first in a series of peeks into the world of logos, icons, and symbology.

OVERVIEW
The world is of course completely controlled by a select few who belong to an elite, faceless band of lizards capable of morphing into human form. Or, maybe not. Regardless, there’s an evil wind that, now and then, washes over a designer’s artboard and magically transforms mere circles and triangles into minions of nasty ancient cultures and darkly grinning despots. It is also quite possible that there is an ancient brotherhood of logo designers who’ve been propagating these symbols upon unwitting corporate and political leaders for thousands of years for their own insidious pleasure. You decide…

Note: Star ratings are based on the designers’ presumed level of compliance with ancient evil cults (The Illuminati, Freemasonry, The Mysteries, The Rat Pack), along with the degree of evil that dripped from their mechanical pens.

The designers’ were obviously morphing lizards themselves
They wore the funny hats, but weren’t allowed in the back room
Posers
Might have just been neighbors of morphing lizards
Hapless; have never seen Being There or Snow White

1) ILLUMINATI/FREEMASONRY
Freemasonry is supposedly a secret society that has supposedly been around since the Pyramids. The Illuminati is supposedly a secret society within that secret society, and the Illuminati supposedly controls everything. in that awkward moment when you find yourself picking up a spoon instead of a fork, look around.

THE ALL SEEING EYE
The Eye of Providence. Eye of Mind. Eye of Horus. The Eye of Sirius. The Trinacria. Classic stuff. Supposedly, Sirius is the Egyptian’s version of Satan (isn’t Harry Potter’s godfather called Sirius Black? Hmm).

CBS: Who’s watching whom? This is the slam-dunk reference for the eye thing. If you stare at it long enough, it will blink.
AOL: You’ve seen that glazed-over look on AOL subscribers, haven’t you? Oh, and what’s that, a pyramid?
TimeWarner: Are you kidding me?!

THE PYRAMID
Pyramid power. Supposedly the Freemasons are the original builders of the Pyramids. And if the capstone is missing, look out! One apex, two shapes, three triangles, four sides, five points. Oh, I’m tellin’ ya!

Chrysler: A pyramid squaredance. And just to rub it in, there’s a conspiring combo of a pentagram and a pentagon. Pure evil!
Nabisco: Pfff. Nice try.
Fidelity: Sneaky. Trying to hide behind the US $1 bill, but that sunburst behind it is, well, read on…

THE RISING SUN
Back when the original Masons formed, some 3500 years ago so it goes, the sun was everything. And everything was based around its cycles. Even the Gregorian calendar is supposedly based around the sun’s cycles (2000 was to be a huge year for sun bursts and the incredible energy release that fnord comes from them, so they reverse-engineered the calendar). The rising sun also can be read as “the rising son.” The darkest day of the year is the Equinox, around December 21 or so. A few days later the sun/son rises again. Incidentally, Christ has no monopoly on this day. Egyptians celebrated the birth of Horus, son of Isis around the 25th. Buddha, son of Maya, was said to be born on the 25th. The Persian’s Mithras, son of god, Osiris, son of the Holy Virgin, Hercules, son of Zeus, and the Scandinavian’s Freyr, son of Odin, all celebrating birthdays on the 25th of December.

NBC: Very, very sneaky. But not sneaky enough…Busted!
Shell: Another sneaky one. Quite lovely, really. Bloody lizards! (Texas has its own separate power grid).
Adage: Not sneaky. Actually, rather in-yer-face, I’d say. Pyramid and all.

THE TORCH
Signifies illumination of The Ancient Mysteries (The Eleusinian mysteries; The Dionysian mysteries; Isis/Osiris). The Mysteries is mostly whack Egyptian stuff, all secrecy and religiosity, the main gist being eternal life. And eating your enemy. And orgies.

American Heart Association: I just like the image of the heart being stabbed by a flaming dagger. One star off for the simple hope that the AHA isn’t evil. But it’s probably all…in vein.
Standard: Fire and oil don’t mix well. (The US is more often than not run by Texans).
Better business Bureau: Looks more like a paintbrush. Perhaps for whitewashing.

2) THE OCCULT
A catchall phrase for messing around with nature and hiding the results from everyone who wasn’t invited to the party. Some are Satanists, others just like the hats and not needing the service of airports to get around. Occults live and die on symbolism. For all we know streetlights could be telling them where the next amphibian-sponsored sacrifice will be held.

THE PENTAGRAM
The Endless Knot. The Goblin’s Cross. The Pentalpha. The Witch’s Foot. The Devil’s Star. Supposedly the pentagram in its upside-down form is a symbol of witchcraft, and evil in general. Upside-down, it’s also the symbol for the horned god of Celtic paganism, and the US Medal of Honor. Because it can be drawn with a single line, leaving no opening or “gate,” it has been held in many cultures to have special powers. I know. I know. It’s nuts. But what can you do?

Texaco:The morphing lizards are using the liquefied remains of their ancestors to fuel their most evil and ingenious invention. Cannibals! And hey, isn’t that a Freemason’s T-square? (Texas is the “lone star” state).
Prodigy: Revealing the single line nature of this complex symbol, this thing is flat-out in-yer-face nastiness.
Converse: Nope, not this one. Oh! But wait…”converse”…what…what would be the converse of the star in their logo?…Yes, an upside-down pentagram! Run for your lives! (In Nike sneakers, of course).

THE PHOENIX
The Phoenix sets itself on fire when it just can’t take it anymore, then magickally appears from its own ashes, and as such, represents a new beginning, or being born again. Oddly, the Phoenix has the same meaning across all cultures, cults, and groups. Odd, because the bird was never more than a mythical creature. Tough to find a feat with legs like that on this planet for any image or idea. It’s an evil symbol, usually representing Satan and his whole fire thing. Oddly, the bald eagle looks a lot like the Phoenix, and there’s good or bad meaning depending on whether the head’s pointing to the left or right. Look for the “Hilary Pin” which, oddly, Ms Clinton and other female elite wear with pride in public—the head, oddly, facing to the left (the bad one).

Barclays Bank: That, my friends, is a bloody Phoenix. And Phoenixes are evil. And so are banks. And crowns are too, probably.
Georgio Armani: There are no eagles in Italy (OK, there’s the small toed eagle, but, c’mon). Plus, isn’t that really just an upside-down pyramid with the capstone missing?
Budweiser: That long neck (the logo; not the bottle). That’s not an eagle’s neck. It’s a Phoenix’s neck. Beer companies are as evil as it gets. Other than banks. And oil companies. And Texas.

THE “LADY”

The Egyptian Mother Goddess. Goddess Isis. Creatrix. The Destroyer. Symbolizes the “Lady,” Goddess of the Wicca. There is of course a Lord, too, and they both rule the religion of Wicca, which tends to have both benign and evil definitions, depending on the weather.

LucasArts: Let’s load up on this one, since it’s the evil George Lucas we’re talking about (Joseph Campbell, notwithstanding). We have the Lady, the All Seeing Eye, the Rising Sun, and, and…that “whatareyougonnadoaboutit” attitude.

National Film Board of Canada: Ya, they’re trying to hide the fact by moving it out of the box, but that’s a Lady and the All Seeing Eye alright. Busted!

Sturm, Ruger and Co.: America’s largest firearms manufacturer. Look at this thing: a Phoenix Bird doing the Lady pose. What more could you ask for?

THE OUROBOROS
Greek. Means “tail swallower.” Always a serpent or a dragon, forming a circle by biting its tail (dogs try it, but can’t). It’s been around since about 2000 BC and represents the cyclical nature of the universe. Snakes usually get the resurrection gig because of the skin shedding trick. Often used to represent Lucifer, the Ouroboros usually surrounds symbols that are equally ill tempered.

Lucent: Lucent. Lucifer. Same difference. Any way you slice it, it’s a snake eating its damn tale. Of course, it could just be an Enso, the Zen symbol for Satori, but then the movie would be over and we’d still have half a bag of popcorn.
Intel Inside: Your PC crashes all the time because Satan is inside. It’s a cyclical thing; crash, restart, crash, restart, crash…
Bell Canada: This logo wants to be evil. No doubt. But it’s Canadian. It’s not biting its tale. It’s licking it.

THE OWL
The owl is almost universally known to be a symbol of knowledge (kn-OWL-edge) and is connected with Athena (or Minerva), as well as the occult and shamanism. A famously patient bird of the night, it’s also known as Moloch, the god to which who’s statue children were burned at the foot of, all in good fun of course. Supposedly, all the bigshots gather at the Bohemian Grove Club once a year in California to do evil in front of a huge stone owl. There’s a tiny owl on the face of the US $1 bill, and the Washington Capital is surrounded by roads that outline the shape of an owl.
Hooters:Nothing associated with breasts could ever be evil.
One World Language Schools: ”One World”?! You’re kiddin’ me, right? Keep your children far, far away from this school.
Bohemian Grove Club: Very 1930s Germany. It’s not just a logo; it’s a big damn statue. With human blood on its claws.

3) THE HAPLESS DESIGNER
Even with all this sweet nectar of pure evil running amuck in the corporate world, there are still logo designers around the world who haven’t been able to properly channel this generous power. To wit…

THE MISSED OPPORTUNITY
So much evil. So little inspiration. Note to designers: When you get a client that comes to you with a company name like “Hell,” you put some damn horns or flame on it somewhere! There are simply no excuses. Geez!

Hell: Hell-vetica. The anti-font. But that’s as evil as this one gets. An extra star for the name at least.
Microsoft: Remember, those stars are for the designers; not the company. But we all know Microsoft is the most evil of all. It just doesn’t appear that M$ was willing to let on. Maybe there’s a Pyramid there between the “O” and the “S.” But a weak attempt overall at black-hatting the logo to be sure. Utterly disappointing.
Diebold: The vote fixers. They prefer to be called “DEE-bold.” But we know better. And that innocuous swoosh. C’mon. A spade’s a spade. Where’s the pentagram? The pyramid?

THE ALSO-RAN
Not quite posers. More like “missed opportunities” with a dash of “I want to be a dentist” thrown in for good measure. We’ll stick with the good ol’ Pyramid for this one.

Advantage Rent-A-Car: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, it’s got the pyramid with the capstone missing, and it’s got the makings of a pentagram, but the whole thing is done with such a lack of aplomb that I’m just not convinced.
Thyssen: A kinder, gentler Pyramid.
Fire Sentry: All Seeing Eye inside a Pyramid? Nah. It’s a freakin’ circle inside a triangle (I’m just not feeling it, ya know?…Well, maybe).

THE EVIL-IN-WAITING
Some logos start to take on a life of their own, and just look evil either by taking it out of context, or simply crappy design.

Taylor Made: A girl in a bikini from the front. A guy in a thong from the back. A martini glass. This logo has always bugged me. And I don’t know why. So it must be evil.
Omnimark Technologies: I don’t know what the hell this thing is, but it’s a philosopher’s stone throw from the big leagues.
Institute of Scrap Recycling Industries: Kind of a combination of a Janus, an Ouroboros, and an All Seeing Eye, with a little bit of Chanel thrown in.